Floodwall Doesn’t Stop Southsiders

Tobacco Avenue which usually picks on the downtown area has turned its gaze onto the southside in today’s post entitled,  “Floodwall Lacks Adequate Protection Against Southsiders“.

Lewis noted that the presence of a “small handful” of Southsiders in Richmond is not a problem, and can be dealt with properly by law enforcement officials.  Larger masses of Southsiders create the true worry, he said, with the report finding that 70 percent of “south of the river” citizens enter the city and cause trouble, while the remaining 40 percent cannot do math.

The solution proposed is quite dramatic.

As for resolving the “many inherent problems” with the floodwall, the report offers several approaches, including making the wall higher, rigging it with barbed wire, or “installing nearly 400 motion-sensing flamethrowers with grenade launchers attached because that would look really awesome.”

Don’t worry. Hills and Heights will soon be selling our exclusive grappling hooks, ladders and camouflage kits for your cars. The kits will allow you to easily pass through any checkpoints that may be established on the bridges.   The latest additions to the collection are the VCU Art Student kit and Aging Fan Hipster kit. The VCU Art Student kit instantly turns your car into a VW or Mini with all the latest political bumper stickers and ironic retro t-shirt. The Aging Fan Hipster kit transforms your car into a Volvo with guitar case for the back seat, NPR bumper sticker and if you buy in the next 48 hours your own Benny-Fit t-shirt.